if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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