Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
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