I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Randomize
