I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
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