Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
Randomize
