At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
