am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
