i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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