I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
A+ Viking dick
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
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