I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
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