Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
