she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
