Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
