I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Randomize
