I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Randomize
