my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
