i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
