walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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