Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
