Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
Randomize
