why im i the only drunk person in the library?
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
