I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
