textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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