When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
