I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
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