Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
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