you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
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