Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Randomize
