there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
