I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
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