I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
