No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Randomize
