3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Randomize
