and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
