He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I need to sanitize my soul.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
