Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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