I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
