Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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