In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
But theres a keg here and me gusta
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
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