if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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