after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
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