Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
