I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
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