I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
