trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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