I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
