The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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