my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Randomize
