Jerry, you need to find god
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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