My nipple is on Facebook.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
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