What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
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